Light Found Lacking
cries out in pain
something it has never felt
love: far too evasive
impossible to find
can it find this
it has never known it?
is devoid from a life.
shall be found
shall be found
the senses say it is far
shall be found
is a promise
This is the truth.
A Headache of Colors
The mind seems forever restless
Impossible to sate
Its thirst for knowledge, romance, compassion
Drive it forever on
Confusion is the rule of the mind
Hope the driving force
Imagination the energy
All bound and of equal importance
Imagining love makes you hopeful
Hopeful for signs that are confused by this hope
Confusion can cause paranoid imagining
All these things are connected, are
Colors beyond imagination.
Find the words I want to hear
Give me none but ones shown there
Cannot take the stings of life
No more of this strife
One must wonder why I care
Why I love this world unfair
But your words cause pain, my brother
As much would any other.
Turn from, fade away
Bleached to shadows by the day
Change to chaos in my world
Let life be cursed, unfurled.
Serpentís tongue within my heart
Lashing, poisoned; break apart
Spread to stone by darkened gale
Till even love must fail
World to stone black stone
Through my love be left alone
And my soul lets out a moan
Turns to white and crimson bone.
Turn my heart to stone black stone
And God is left alone.
Facet Upon Facet
A myriad of feelings surround me
Both grim and joyful
Both kind and malicious
While a few are truly felt
Most are generated by myself
A stare in my direction that seems cruel
A comment that I donít especially like
Oftentimes there is no cruelness in the action
My mind believes there is, and creates phantoms.
Creatures of my imagination
Nothing real about them
Thatís easy to say now
But when the fear, the gripping fear,
Or an insecurity greets me
Simple logic disappears
Leaving me alone as I try to claw my way up the walls
Left with only paranoia to explain my situation
I come to odd conclusions
I worry about foolish things
I carry weight that I have conjured
I feel stress that doesnít exist
The shades of grey fall away
And I force myself to think in black and white
Two extremes which often donít apply
To the shades of grey that make up all our lives
But I do it anyway
Regardless of my understanding
An awareness that this thinking canít be right
Awareness canít change my nature
Iím not really sure what can.
Pain? Pleasure? Love? Hate?
I have felt them all, but know them not.
Not well enough to determine what it is
What it could be that alters me completely
That rips apart my persona
And leaves me born anew
With new purpose
Often in an opposite direction than Iíd expect.
Take today, for instance
Now I am calm and peaceful
No longer a fighter
No longer angry
Merely hurt and hopeful at once
Higher morals are within me
For no sinful woman will I endure
It pains me when lies pass my lips
It hurts me when others suffer
And all Iím able to ask myself is:
Why wasnít I like this before?
What blinded me to the sin
The pure sin that I lived in, even as I claimed to be a Christian?
What madness pervaded my form
That I should be running toward a cliff,
And not even know it?
I can ask the questions all day
And learn nothing but that I am a poor reference
That would be all Iíd learn of myself
If not far less,
Far far less
Until I was even losing knowledge
What little bit I hold
As the phantoms of doubt pulled at me
At my illogical, unknowing, uncalm mind.
All I can know is confusion
And all Iíll ever know is confusion
As long as I search for the answers.
But I shall not stop
For that would be worse than a fruitless search
For at least with the search
The search unending
Iíll have not given up.
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