Same Difference
Written 1-26-2000
A bit of forenote about this poem: make sure to
mark the date of its writing. I spent a long time struggling with
religion, struggling with all sorts of thoughts about who it said was going to
Hell and how I couldn't understand why. I've come to an understanding
since then, and many of the words in this poem do not reflect my current
emotions... but this verse still strikes me as intriguing, and perhaps even
thought-provoking.
It
is in the day as I wonder
As
I sit and wonder at this
Yet
also, it is night
Daylight
does pervade all around
But
sad shadows stay in my heart
Don’t
misunderstand
No,
do not
For
in order for shadows to exist
There
must also be light.
But
for now, the shadows take hold of my thought,
Of
the problems in the world
The
world that is all around me
Within
me and without
Yet
I am not fully a part
I
don’t fully fit in
Not
fully.
Yet,
I almost don’t want to.
I
know my ways are good
And
many of the world’s are bad
Yet
when I think of the “status quo”
The
society’s normality
The
ever-piercing secular doctrine
I
almost wish I could be a part of it
For
at least then I’d be part of a whole
Something
all-encompassing
Yet
I know
I
know that that’s not right
To
wish to be part of the world
To
be part of it’s greed and it’s lust
To
be trapped in it’s unholy sin
But
I wish it anyway
For
then, and only then
And
only and only then
Will
I be no longer alone
Only
then will I be
Only
then will I be part of many
For
‘alone’ is a sad thing to be
Why
can’t I remain who I am
And
have others flock unto me?
Why
aren’t my ways good enough?
Do
I not hate enough?
I
though I did these too much!
Shall
I remain as iron
My
faith a strong armor
An
armor against the world?
Or
shall it prove to be as gossamer
Proving
to be worthless
To
make me anything
To
be anything but a spectacle?
Ah
yes!
Behold
the undrunken one!
He
shall not insult the wretched
He
shall not curse the pure
He
makes foolish attempts at ‘respect’
And
pretends he is better than us!
Yet
I know
I
know
This
one is a sinner
No
better than we, No, he’s worse!
There
is no purity within his heart
Only
the light of a lone firefly
A
single firefly in the deep dark.
Let
us then hate him!
Insult
him!
Curse
his accursed name!
For
in these things, perhaps
Perhaps,
just for once
We
might find our own peace.
They
speak these things
And
I hear them
And
what can I do but feel shame
For
it’s true I’m merely a sinner
I
deserve all their hate and their pain
But
I know
I
know something that they know
Something
they know and ignore
The
All-Father tells us
He
tells us in his great Book
To
hate none
Hate
none
But
to love all
To
spread your blessings out over the world
And
forget the curses…
…And
so it seems
I
ignore the Word too
If
in a different way
For
even as they sin by cursing my name
The
name of one they know not
I
ignore the ‘forgetting’ part
But
such is the nature of the world
So
perhaps I’m like them
Perhaps I am after all.
.
Ignorant
There is much I cannot understand
Much I’ll never do
There is much of the world I’ll never see
And people I’ll never know.
There is much of the universe I’ll never observe
I’ll find little beyond our blue sphere.
There is much of others I’ll never understand
So much So much so many.
It is beyond my comprehension
To think of others as myself.
To think they think like me.
Feel like me.
It’s overwhelming to think how many there are.
So many so many so much.
I will never see more than a bit.
Even if I lived for eternity
I would only touch the surface of life.
For this mortal coil is not our own
We cannot understand it.
We cannot.
It is beyond our reach,
And beyond our grasp.
We can never find it.
It is not for us to know.
At least not on this life.
Perhaps one day we will know.
Or perhaps even then we’ll know not
Locked in an eternal complacency.
Faced with the glory of God
Will the mysteries of this Earth be forgotten?
I pray ‘tis not so,
For if it is
I will never ever know
What is life
What is it’s meaning
And why are we here?
There is nothing to be found, perhaps.
Beyond even our eternal understanding,
We will be forever unknowing and uncaring.
This unlocks no secrets for me.
It merely makes me think all the more.
I wish I could have
have the secrets of this world.
Have them alone.
I wish that I knew it all.
I wish I knew enough to be considered something.
But I know nothing.
At least beyond our limited scale.
I am high in intelligence when compared to the other ignorant
For all of the world is ignorance..
All of humanity is foolish
Myself included in this.
It is beyond understanding.
It is beyond comprehension.
And so forever it shall be.
Locked away into eternity.
And even in eternity
We shall not look.
We shall not care.
We will wish only to forget this existence.
When compared with the glory of tomorrow.
Ever looking toward tomorrow are we.
For tomorrow lies understanding, knowledge.
It is why we wish for the future.
To understand that which we cannot.
To feel what a new pleasure shall be
To be past a period of ignorance.
Ignorant of pleasure, ignorant of pain.
It is all of life to look to tomorrow.
But tomorrow is forever eluding us.
For it’s always a day away.
And thus we will never feel it.
Never taste that understanding.
For it is simply a carrot on a stick
To lead us on through time.
.
Nothing
Here
I sit
Still
alone in a crowd
Still
forgotten in the scheme
Here
I am
One
in Many
And
Many in one.
Alone
in a room full of people
Screaming,
remaining unheard
Here
I was
Dying
unknown at a party
Obscured
from the memory of a Muse
An
unmarked grave in a cemetery
The grave of a person not known.
.
A Select Group
2-14-2001
Another note. For this poem, I’d been struggling
with my Christian beliefs. Certainly,
I hold my faith very dear to myself, but… what about every other religious
system on the Earth? To hear the
words of my preacher, they’re screwed simply because they were raised
differently. The preacher (and
other people, really) say that this person should convert, then; listen to the
teachings of the Bible… but if they truly believe they are right, and have
been raised to think that, they’re no more likely to convert than my preacher
to their faiths.
Is it true?
Does God hate you?
Because you’re not like me?
I can’t believe
I won’t believe
That such words could be true.
I’ve heard some say
That those who pray
To Mary are Hades-bound.
Why? I say
What’s strange? I say
For a difference so thin, so small.
I see just why
They say we die
Even with our good works.
But I cannot see
And will not see
How different ones are Hellbound.
Jewish friends,
Can’t make amends
For thinking they were holy?
I can’t believe
I won’t believe
There’s truth in such a folly.
And I never will.
So let it be.
Amen.
.