Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker
Part II!
Ainus stared at the mirror on his dresser sullenly, trying to comb out his horrific hair. He had red hair, like his father’s, but instead of sticking out in spikes like he would have liked (it was a popular style nowadays) it had always, somehow, resembled an afro. A very puffy afro. A very queer afro.
‘Who gives a shit,’ he thought to himself as he yawned, his mouth opening so wide that if a Poly had rolled down his throat he wouldn’t have noticed. ‘It’s not like I’m gonna pick up any girls anyway.’
He was interrupted by the hunched form of his father coming into the room.
Crono held onto the doorframe, looking down at the floor.
“Ah, shit, I think I’m gonna….urg, get me a trash can!!”
Ainus yawned, walked slowly to the other side of his nice Guardia Castle room, and lazily picked up his trash can. He heard spitting and turned around.
“Nevermind…urg….” Crono gripped his head. “Shit. Just come on, come on, your mom will clean it up,” he said, motioning at the green on the floor.
Ainus started to walk to the door.
“And get your bag, dumbass! …And your sword. I’m not gonna…urg…do this every day, you gotta grow up and be a man, you know, you’re twenty-one now—“
“Seventeen.”
“…You gotta grow up, you’re…urg…um, sixteen now—“
“Seventeen.”
“…Whatever. You’re older now, and it’s time for you to get out on your own and defend yourself. Now get your sword! I didn’t buy that thing to pretty up the damn wall.”
“But it’s heavy.”
“Pansy. Pick it up.”
Ainus couldn’t argue. Or, rather, didn’t feel like bothering to argue at the moment. He yawned, walked slowly over to the sword mounted on the wall, got it down, staggered a moment, and walked back.
“Let’s go. And I don’t want to hear any whining from you.”
“Whatever.”
“Yeah, that’s right.”
* * *
Guardia Forest in the morning. Rustle of leaves in the wind, birds chirping, crinkle of grass under feet, random hurling from Crono—and then, a screech!!
“Shit!!!“ yelled Ainus, jumping backwards.
“What the hell did you just say?!!” said Crono.
”Uh, Shitake!!”
Luckily enough for him, it was just that: A foul man-eating mushroom that had spawned many ‘shroom jokes in schools around the world. It was said that if you killed one and ate it you’d get higher than the Epoch hooked to a nuclear reactor. Now the phrase ‘Give me some of that shit’ had double meanings. Other legends had arisen from the name; However, Ainus was more worried about getting eaten than seeing what the thing tasted like himself.
Out of reflex, Crono drew his sword and stabbed the thing to death with ease.
Ainus was silent for a moment. Relief.
“…Well now,” said Ainus, “That was less dangerous than I thought.” Crono’s reply was not what he expected.
“Urg…oh….aw…Shit, no more Crown Royal for me…” Crono clutched his stomach, put his hand to his head, and fainted right before Ainus’s feet. This was very unsettling to the boy, who had just noticed three more mushroom monsters coming toward him.
“Uh…dad? Dad!” Ainus kicked his father in the head, rather hard, he thought, but no response. “Man, he must have popped a dozen last night…” He looked at the other Shitakes.
“Uh, nice, there, now…don’t hurt me…um, you’re more afraid of me than I am of you…right?!”
Apparently not. They came forward. They snarled. They pounced.
>>IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SON OF A LEGEND, HEART OF A SLACKER:
Ainus fights three weak, weak, weak Shitakes! But can he fend them off by himself, or will he go running off to his mother like the wuss he truly is? Find out in the next episode!!
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