Son of a Legend, Heart of a Slacker
Part IV! “The Emergence of…HIM. Or is it…”
OR “An Insane Floozie and a Dirty Old Geezer.”
OR “Read to Find Out What Happens, Fool!”
“So…uh, what are you going to do with him?” asked Fruitz, motioning to a still collapsed Crono. “Did he faint or something?”
“Nah, he’s drunk. Not a chance of getting him up, either. I’ve tried it before. He comes in a lot of days drunk, you see—“ Ainus realized his heartthrob was not listening.
“So who is he?”
“Uh, my dad.” Ainus walked over and grabbed Crono’s arm. “Think we can drag him back to the castle from here?”
“The castle?” said Fruitz. “He work there as a janitor or something?”
Ainus glanced up sharply. “You don’t know who he is, honestly?” He decided this would be a good time to impress her.
“Don’t recognize him. Should I?”
“I think so!” said Ainus triumphantly. “He’s Crono Triggara, otherwise known as King Guardia the…uh, I forget. Anyways, he’s the current ruler from a long line of honored royalty!”
It was, Ainus thought, an impressive introduction.
Fruitz was not impressed.
“Huh. Couldn’t tell. Not into politics and things like that. Kinda bores me.”
“…Oh.”
Ainus tugged on Crono’s arm, found the Hero of Time to be heavier than he expected. ‘Must not have accounted for the beer belly.’
“Egh, just leave him. Some palace guards will come and find him sooner or later. We killed all the mushrooms anyway.”
Fruitz raised her eyebrow at the word ‘we’, but said nothing.
They started walking towards the Guardia School. Ainus wondered about what kind of conversation topics he could share with Fruitz. He couldn’t come up with any.
They managed to walk four feet before something suddenly happened!
“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!” It was a disturbingly manly, evil laugh that seemed to come from everywhere.
“Who’s there?!?” cried Fruitz bravely, as Ainus ducked to the ground and put his arms over his head.
“Oh, it’s just little old me!” said a figure standing in front of them in a disturbingly girly, yet evil voice that seemed to come from everywhere.
Ainus looked up.
It was one of those people. You’ve seen them before. You can’t figure out whether they’re a really really ugly girl, or a really really gay guy. Shoulder length hair, a defying absence of chest, a plaid skirt and a man’s workout T-shirt…lipsticked lips and a square face. In its hand, there was a really really long scythe.
Whatever this person’s gender, it was plain to see that s/he was really really evil.
“Who are you?” repeated Fruitz, preparing a fire spell.
“Mmf.” Added Ainus from below.
‘Egh…I should act more brave…but….DAMN THAT THING IS UGLY!’
“I am Floozie.”
“Really.” said Fruitz.
“Yes.” said Floozie.
“So…”
“MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAA!” shouted Floozie. Ainus whimpered.
“Um…what are you doing?” asked Fruitz.
“Hehe, I just felt really….MWAHAHAHAHA, evil, you know, right then.”
“Okay…well, we’re going now, …nice….meeting you. Floozie.” Fruitz yanked Ainus into the air and began walking quickly away from Floozie.
“Ta~ta!” said Floozie. “I’ll see you later!”
“Wait!” cried an unknown voice. “Don’t go!”
A mist appeared and an old man appeared in that.
“Who are you?” asked Fruitz, apparently unphased by all this freaky stuff happening.
“Oh, HI, Gasper!” shouted Floozie. “You’re looking cute as ever, honeybunches!”
Gasper turned a little greener. He looked at Ainus and said, “It is your duty to kill this creature.”
“Creature?!! Where?” shouted Floozie, looking around.
“This being you see here is none other than the son, er, daughter, er, SPAWN of two of your father’s most hated enemies: Flea and Ozzie.”
“Oh, that explains it, since my dad got into some stupid fight with two people I don’t even know, I’ve got to risk my life to battle some hideously disgusting man-girl. No offense!” said Ainus. Floozie glared.
“What have I ever done to anyone?” Floozie reverted to Valley Girl. “I just want to have some fun and meet some cute guys. Like YOU, Gasper, you dirty old man. Hehehe.”
“Don’t try to turn your evil charms on me, wretch!” Gapser backed away. “You’re….you’re EVIL, and the future of this world depends on your destruction!!” This part he seemed to have just recalled from somewhere.
”Whoa. I’m gonna destroy the
world? Cool.” Floozie was now an Coolguy.
“Er….yes you are.” Gasper scratched his beard. He turned to Ainus. “And….uh, as the son of the mighty Crono, it is your duty to destroy this, er, world-devouring man-girl!!”
“Why does that not sound as cool as ‘destroy this world-devouring, fiercely powerful alien from the farthest reaches of outerspace?”
Gasper laughed. “I’d like to see YOU take on Lavos. Of course, it was pretty funny watching you ‘combat’ those Shit Shrooms back there. Still wet? Hahahahahahaa.”
Ainus blushed. “You saw that?”
“Yes, fool! I see everything! I am…..THE GURU OF TIME!!”
“Well whoopedy-doo,” said Fruitz. Gasper glared and Floozie laughed.
“Oh, shut up, you fruity little she-son of a bitch.”
“Gasper!” said Floozie, “Ozzie wasn’t a bitch!”
“Hmph.”
“Well. I can see when I’m not wanted. Toodles, you two! I’ll see YOU later, Gasper, you sexy old thing you. Hehehehehe. Unfa lunfa, baby.”
With these last few disturbingly evil sounding words, Floozie disappeared.
“Now what?” said Fruitz.
“I need to talk to Crono,” said Gasper. “Can you wake him up?”
“Uh…” said Ainus, “I think it’d be easier to fight Lavos.”
>>IN THE NEXT EPISODE OF SON OF A LEGEND, HEART OF A SLACKER:
What exactly is Gasper’s mission for Ainus and Fruitz? Will Crono EVER wake up? Will the team ever stop cracking beer jokes about him? And what part does Floozie play in this (besides the part of the disturbingly evil hermaphrodite)? AND WHAT DECENT CT FIC DOESN’T HAVE MAGUS IN IT?? Well, don’t worry. It all shall be revealed soon!
CREDITS: To horrible horrible (AND SERIOUS ATTEMPTS AT) ff.net pairing fics which led me to the idea of Flea + Ozzie = Floozie, one of the most hideous and idiotic pairings EVER. MWAHAHAHAHAA.
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