Light Found Lacking
A soul
cries out in pain
Missing
something it has never felt
True
love: far too evasive
Seemingly
impossible to find
How
can it find this
When
it has never known it?
Something
is devoid from a life.
Something
unexplainable
And
possibly indefinable
But it
shall be found
Love
shall be found
It is
forever near
Though
the senses say it is far
It
shall be found
This
is sworn
This
is a promise
This is the truth.
.
A Headache of Colors
The mind seems forever restless
Impossible to sate
Its thirst for knowledge, romance, compassion
Drive it forever on
Confusion is the rule of the mind
Hope the driving force
Imagination the energy
All bound and of equal importance
Imagining love makes you hopeful
Hopeful for signs that are confused by this hope
Confusion can cause paranoid imagining
All these things are connected, are
Colors beyond imagination.
.
Stone Soul
Find the words I want to hear
Give me none but ones shown there
Cannot take the stings of life
No more of this strife
One must wonder why I care
Why I love this world unfair
But your words cause pain, my brother
As much would any other.
Turn from, fade away
Bleached to shadows by the day
Change to chaos in my world
Let life be cursed, unfurled.
Serpent’s tongue within my heart
Lashing, poisoned; break apart
Spread to stone by darkened gale
Till even love must fail
World to stone black stone
Through my love be left alone
And my soul lets out a moan
Turns to white and crimson bone.
Turn my heart to stone black stone
And God is left alone.
.
Facet Upon Facet
A myriad of feelings surround me
Both grim and joyful
Both kind and malicious
While a few are truly felt
Most are generated by myself
A stare in my direction that seems cruel
A comment that I don’t especially like
Oftentimes there is no cruelness in the action
My mind believes there is, and creates phantoms.
Phantoms
Creatures of my imagination
Nothing real about them
That’s easy to say now
But when the fear, the gripping fear,
Or an insecurity greets me
Simple logic disappears
Leaving me alone as I try to claw my way up the walls
Left with only paranoia to explain my situation
I come to odd conclusions
I worry about foolish things
I carry weight that I have conjured
I feel stress that doesn’t exist
The shades of grey fall away
Far away
And I force myself to think in black and white
Two extremes which often don’t apply
To the shades of grey that make up all our lives
But I do it anyway
Regardless of my understanding
An awareness that this thinking can’t be right
Awareness can’t change my nature
I’m not really sure what can.
Pain? Pleasure? Love? Hate?
I have felt them all, but know them not.
Not well enough to determine what it is
What it could be that alters me completely
That rips apart my persona
And leaves me born anew
With new purpose
New ambition
New ideas
Everything re-created
Often in an opposite direction than I’d expect.
Take today, for instance
Now I am calm and peaceful
No longer a fighter
No longer angry
Merely hurt and hopeful at once
Higher morals are within me
For no sinful woman will I endure
It pains me when lies pass my lips
It hurts me when others suffer
And all I’m able to ask myself is:
Why wasn’t I like this before?
What blinded me to the sin
The pure sin that I lived in, even as I claimed to be a Christian?
What madness pervaded my form
That I should be running toward a cliff,
And not even know it?
I can ask the questions all day
And learn nothing but that I am a poor reference
That would be all I’d learn of myself
If not far less,
Far far less
Until I was even losing knowledge
What little bit I hold
As the phantoms of doubt pulled at me
At my illogical, unknowing, uncalm mind.
All I can know is confusion
And all I’ll ever know is confusion
As long as I search for the answers.
But I shall not stop
For that would be worse than a fruitless search
Far worse.
For at least with the search
The search unending
I’ll have not given up.
.