Nascar Is The Scourge Of Mankind

By Jay Theobald

   BREASTS. Now that I've got that out of the way, I'd like to state that this assignment has given me an outlet to show my disgust toward the evils destroying our country. N-sync, leprosy, the subliminal messages given before every Wehrenberg Theater presentation. All of these would have been fine topics for a mindless rant. However, they don't get to the root of our countries troubles. No, there is only one monstrosity that can be held accountable for falling grades, obesity, and communism; Nascar racing. The popular red neck pass time has done nearly as much damage to the country as Elian Gonzalez, but unlike the beloved, brain damaged Cuban boy, Nascar racing refuses to be violently ripped out of its suburban home and thrust back into its backwards country to live out the rest of its days in misery and cigar smoking. No, Nascar racing seems to be here to stay. Afterall, what person could resist a loud heap of metal going around in circles three hundred times? Indeed, Nascar racing has infinite appeal.

    How can the average citizen combat this seemingly invincible abomination? By banding together. Every time you see someone picking up a box of Wheaties with Jeff Gordon on the front, slap it out of their hand. Every time you see a 5 year old boy pretending to be driving a race car, and making the appropriate sound effects, throw a rock at him. Hard. Every time you witness an elderly woman actually watching Nascar, mace her. Fellows, together we will take back our country!


The previous writing is property of Walter John Theobald IV. Any reproduction without express written permission of Walter John Theobald IV is prohibited by law. This piece was done solely for amusement and does not reflect the opinions of Alton High, The Redbird Word, the Madison county school district, or Tyson chicken.


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